Yesterday was really bad, and I couldn’t tell you exactly why if you asked. But it was just one of those days, ya know? Where your mind is broken and your heart hates not being in control. Last night I laid on the couch and cried. The day was filled with unmet promises to Abe and me dozing off while feeding the baby and pumping at the same time (please don’t ask me why I’m not breast feeding). Small group had left, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had failed them all somehow.

My 4 year old sat down next to my head and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was feeling very overwhelmed and like a complete failure. I cried harder and apologized for not getting to play hide and seek with him even though I promised I would. He had a pensive look on his face and said, It’s ok, mom. Emery needed all of your attention today.” I smiled and thanked him for being gracious and understanding, to which he replied, “It makes you feel good.”

Oh yeah. It does. I forgot. Grace does make me feel good. I wish I didn’t resist it like I often do.

About a half an hour later, Daniel was holding Emery and trying to get him to stop crying. The more Emery cried, the more Daniel got flustered until he finally gave up and handed the baby over to me. He got up and went outside, leaving us in the living room. Abe turned to me on the couch and said, “Mom, you need to pray for daddy tonight because he is afraid of being a daddy to two boys and thinks he’s bad at it. I pray for him all of the time.” My jaw dropped.

When Daniel tucked him into bed, I could hear sniffles echoing from the room. When Daniel emerged from his room tear-eyed, he told me that Abe had prayed for him, but it wasn’t his regular kind of prayer that usually only makes sense to Abe. It was an intercession for his daddy and a plea for help. And then he went to sleep.

It’s humbling to watch the Holy Spirit use a child to remind us of the gospel things we so easily forget and can’t seem to give to ourselves, especially when the usual prescription for reminders looks like our kids pushing us to our limits. But not yesterday. Yesterday it came in the form of a 4 year old understanding things more clearly than I do 99 percent of the time.

I can’t believe God would allow me to live in a home with people that fight for each other.

Grace floweth over.


You Are.

Oh Great God You Are

Oh Great God
You are as confusing as You are breathtaking
As mysterious as You are bright

Oh Zealous Redeemer
In times such as this, faith cannot be explained
Nor can we claim responsibility for it

Oh Mighty Fortress
Protect us from our creeping doubts
Shield us from the whore of lies
May not we stumble into the traps of bitterness
As we wonder why

Oh Perfect Understander
What is it to rejoice in new life
And yet, to grieve the sting of death

Oh Unending Provider
You extend unmerited grace as we question
The outcomes You’ve allowed
Because You know that in the questioning
We crawl closer to You in our search for answers
Leaving us to dine in communion together
Even when the whys are left in waiting

You do not abandon Your children.

You do not leave our hearts in the dust.

You do not forsake Your beloved.

Oh Great God.
You Are.

Amber Writes: Be Still

I AM GODMy friend and Pastor’s wife, Amber, is an amazing artist and writer. She has often been able to tap into the deepness of how things feel and write it out in such a way that brings a real peace, at least for me. I haven’t posted in over a week, due to exhaustion and a long and early labor, but as I hear of the painful things going on around me and the things I’m feeling in my own heart, I felt this was appropriate to share for today. I hope this piece Amber wrote brings you as much peace as it did for me. 


“Be still and know that I am God. 
I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth!” 
-Psalm 46:10 

Be still… 

When I am afraid, when my heart is pounding. 

When all I can do is exist in fear and panic. 

You bring peace to my troubled soul.

The turbulent sloshing of my emotions is stilled by your presence.

I know the assurance and comfort of your words, your hand on my heart. 


Be still and know… 

As my life spins with uncertainty and I quiver at quaking ground beneath my feet.

When I am reeling, knocked breathless by the bile of anxiety crawling up my throat, you still my doubts.

When disease and financial ruin steal away my equilibrium,  

You breathe rest and security by reminding me of your past and continued provision for me, by reminding me of your goodness, your greatness.  


Be still and know that I Am God… 

When I am angry.

When my self-righteousness and need for justice becomes greater in my mind than your divinity.

When I begin to chafe at hurts and fiery darts hurled at me and those I care for, and I plot a way to set things right. 

In your still small voice you remind me of my sinfulness and my own need for your grace, your mercy. 

You correct my wandering heart for you alone are God, the righteous judge. And your ways are not my ways and your ways are always good. 


Be still and know that I am God… 

When I am with you and my mind wanders, when I have been given an opportunity to be in your presence and I cannot forget myself, you gently remind me of your presence in my heart. You lead me into worship and intimacy by revealing yourself, your love for me and leaving in me the joy of praise to the lover of my soul. You allow me to simply enjoy you. 


Be still and know that I am God… 

When I am sad and feel alone, when my fear of vulnerability imprisons me behind my walls of defense. When I am struggling to feel connected, worthy, treasured. You speak to me with the closeness, familiarness of old friends, brought together long ago and sharing all of life. You reveal my own heart to me with the intimacy of a lover who knows my vulnerabilities and loves me, loves me with such tenderness, a delicate handling of the wounded places in my heart. You heal my hurts and replace the scarred tissue with new life. 


Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted… 

When I am fretful about the future. When it seems as if the battle is too much, too long, too hard. When it seems as if the victory has been snatched away and those I love are left hurting, wounded, bleeding. When I have been betrayed and watched my fellow soldiers walk away from the fight… 

You are strong. You infuse my weary heart with the calm, steady assurance of your victory, already won by your son. You invigorate my battle worn heart with your sovereignty over all things, people and times. You give me promise and hope that your works will be finished, that the power residing in me is the power that spoke the universe into place, commands legions of angels and can bring about the resurrection of the dead into new life. You are the great I Am, the Alpha and the Omega. 


Be Still and Know that He is God.