A Big Fake

It’s really disturbing when you discover that most of the nice things that you do for others are fueled by the fake part of you that wants to make up for what the real part of you just said or did.

It hit me like a bad fish sandwich one night last week. I was talking to someone, and their facial expression led me to assume that perhaps I offended them somehow. I proceeded to go over in my head what I said that could have been questionable, and then immediately thought about offering my help to this person.  And that’s when it hit me.

I don’t serve to serve. I serve to keep people from thinking anything less than great of me. I serve to keep people from talking bad about me. I serve to keep people from being disappointed.

It happened again the night after that. There was some miscommunication which led to frustration between a friend of mine and myself, and on my way home I contemplated what I could do or say to make them like me and believe that I’m a sweet person. Because obviously they are gonna go home and bash talk the hell out of me for hours.

What’s that fun old saying? “You know what they say when you assume…..”

Shows how much faith and trust I have in my friends.

As grossed out as I am with myself right now, it’s almost kind of a relief. I think about the people I like the most. Typically, they can be real jerks, but there is something so genuine and honest about their butthole-ness. They’re not hiding the ugly parts of their personality. And to clarify, those people are not the same as the people who are jerks on purpose in an effort to push everyone away or to appear too cool for school. I can see right through that crap.

It’s exhausting when you live a life toiling day and night in hopes that everyone will be happy with you.

Would the world really come to an end if someone didn’t like me that much?

Will the ground crumble from beneath my soles if a friend went home and vented about how stupid I was?

Will the white horses with tattooed Jesus come swooshing down from the heavens if I failed to please everyone?

Well all of those things have probably happened a thousand times in my life, and yet… Revelation has not come to pass. Kurt Cameron is still making bad movies. Everything is still intact. Who I am is still fully there, even though I seem too blind to see it.

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.  -John 1:9-13

I am God’s child. Period. That is all that matters. No one should be able to steal that confidence away from me, even in the worst of my offenses. Or shall I say, I should never allow anyone or anything to undermine my identification.

It almost makes me want to disappoint someone on purpose just to see what it feels like to not feel the NEED to please them selfishly. But I won’t do that.

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  2 comments for “A Big Fake

  1. April 30, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Oh girl I am the same way. Right now I am struggling with “doing the right thing” and I know in my heart of hearts its the wrong thing for my family but I feel the need to help. I don’t want to disappoint people or make them think less of me when the three people (one of them is the tattooed Jesus you speak of) I need to please are in my household already. Hang in there you are beautiful, lovely and a wonderful woman.

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