fear

A Big Fake

It’s really disturbing when you discover that most of the nice things that you do for others are fueled by the fake part of you that wants to make up for what the real part of you just said or did.

It hit me like a bad fish sandwich one night last week. I was talking to someone, and their facial expression led me to assume that perhaps I offended them somehow. I proceeded to go over in my head what I said that could have been questionable, and then immediately thought about offering my help to this person.  And that’s when it hit me.

I don’t serve to serve. I serve to keep people from thinking anything less than great of me. I serve to keep people from talking bad about me. I serve to keep people from being disappointed.

It happened again the night after that. There was some miscommunication which led to frustration between a friend of mine and myself, and on my way home I contemplated what I could do or say to make them like me and believe that I’m a sweet person. Because obviously they are gonna go home and bash talk the hell out of me for hours.

What’s that fun old saying? “You know what they say when you assume…..”

Shows how much faith and trust I have in my friends.

As grossed out as I am with myself right now, it’s almost kind of a relief. I think about the people I like the most. Typically, they can be real jerks, but there is something so genuine and honest about their butthole-ness. They’re not hiding the ugly parts of their personality. And to clarify, those people are not the same as the people who are jerks on purpose in an effort to push everyone away or to appear too cool for school. I can see right through that crap.

It’s exhausting when you live a life toiling day and night in hopes that everyone will be happy with you.

Would the world really come to an end if someone didn’t like me that much?

Will the ground crumble from beneath my soles if a friend went home and vented about how stupid I was?

Will the white horses with tattooed Jesus come swooshing down from the heavens if I failed to please everyone?

Well all of those things have probably happened a thousand times in my life, and yet… Revelation has not come to pass. Kurt Cameron is still making bad movies. Everything is still intact. Who I am is still fully there, even though I seem too blind to see it.

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.  -John 1:9-13

I am God’s child. Period. That is all that matters. No one should be able to steal that confidence away from me, even in the worst of my offenses. Or shall I say, I should never allow anyone or anything to undermine my identification.

It almost makes me want to disappoint someone on purpose just to see what it feels like to not feel the NEED to please them selfishly. But I won’t do that.

Motivation.

Those days when we wake up and we say, “NOPE.”

We must fight those days. Today is like that for me. Sometimes we can identify the lack of motivation. Other times it’s not so obvious.

I read something at the very right moment this morning. I was battling in my head whether or not I was going to run today. I was browsing through my tweets and saw one that my friend Kacie had posted about a NVR STOP blog post.

“If you make doubt and fear your vacation home, it’s time to burn it.”

Umm, yea. What encouragement.

I’m almost three and a half weeks strong of consistent and challenging exercise. It only took me almost a whole year after Abram was born to finally identify what was holding me back from being healthy, even though I so desperately wanted to be. I can save that whole novel for another post on another day.

But it’s been great.

Accept for yesterday. And this morning. I just don’t feel like it. The few other times I have felt this way over the past several weeks, I would end up pushing myself further. I keep telling myself, “The more I don’t want to do this, the harder I am going to do it.”

I also have to remind myself when I feel like I can’t run any longer that I once pulled heavy Americans in a cart on the back of a bicycle for a living.

Sometimes I pretend like I’m racing the devil. HE CANNOT WIN.

I’m thankful for the moments when God shows up in the snares of laziness (like this morning) and has me read something that fills me with strength.

“He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” Isaiah 40:29-31

Whatever you are up against today, overcome it. And do it hard.

Burn that vacation home.

It’s Nothing But My Heart.

Last night I found myself overwhelmed. A familiar place of course.

What’s so unfortunate about it is that nothing was really wrong. Walls were not crashing to their foundation and the earth was not giving way under my feet. Daniel and I both had a long and productive day that ended in a sweet wedding shower for our friends Darren and Kay. We had a happy, sleeping baby in the car on the way home, who clutched the string of his balloon so very tight.

Sure, when we walked in the dishes were stacked. There were some toys scattered on the living room floor. Clothes laid strewn about in our bedroom.

My mind raced across the days events, and the days to follow. My chest felt like it was being wound by a key as each moment went on, eventually being to tight to budge.

I had to stop.

Sit.

Breath.

Close my eyes.

Shhhh….. silence.

But it was not silent, you see because my heart was all tangled up in the triteness of life. And because my heart is directly connected to my head, loud noises continued to asphyxiate the peace.

“Hush,” says the Lord.

Be Still. (Psalm 46:10)

Look to Jesus. (Hebrews 12:2)

Hand your burdens over. (Matthew 11:28)

Do not worry. (Matthew 6:31)

Fear not. (Psalm 23:24)

Take heart. (John 16:33)

Rest. (Hebrews 4:10-11)

In that wonderful moment when I’m back on earth, I am tempted to envy the one who does not toil in worry.

All of these things that I do and all of the information I load myself down with; is it big picture or is it trivial?

I think I would like to say that most of what concerns me day in and day out is the gospel. But I’d be a liar if I said that.

I could say that it would be nice if we could just go live on a vast piece of land somewhere, eat what we grow and enjoy the simplicity. But I’d eventually find a way to complicate it.

Or I could imagine what it would be like to shut off all of my devices, and be technology free. But I’d eventually find a way to slave myself.

It’s my heart, and nothing else. Fix it, and all the substance changes. The STUFF may still remain, but what it is made of and how I choose to handle it is where the breakthrough lies.

“Deep in your heart, you feather and tar your folly and fear. Expose them all for the fools they are and the world becomes clear.” – Audrey Assad