I’ve been experiencing a new kind of faith the past week and a half. It has been the most painful, exhausting, liberating and eye-opening 9 days of my life. And I saw my dad being trampled by police on the news once. I saw a man get dragged underneath my car 50 feet and almost die in front of my eyes.
These things pale in comparison.
I know that this journey of freedom will be longer than just these past 9 days, so I am going to do a series of posts that touch on what I’ve been going through, sin, our innate crookedness, the pathetic yet enticing lies of Satan and God’s overwhelming and death-conquering glory.
Hold on to your butts.
Here’s a bunch of words I wrote after small group on Wednesday, the 15th of August. Little did I know God was going to start answering this plea just a few days later.
I lived a life of whores, found five lovers and even more.
There’s nothing that you tell me you’ve done, that I haven’t done before.
In my heart, sin has dwelt since the dawn of Eve’s choice.
Dining with the dead, entertaining a lively corpse.
Break all of my bones if you have to, and rip them right out.
Don’t leave a spec of sin, not one single solitary doubt.
Take from me this flesh, and replace it with your spirit.
Pull my sides right off, I don’t care if it’s a bloody mess.
Breathe into me breath, and pull me out of this pretty grave.
I can’t live another second, as a zombie and as a slave.
I may not have any sides, but now I am finally alive.
So as I’ve shared recently, running (or trying to run) has been a mountain I’ve been trying to conquer. When viewed with the right lenses and for the right reasons, health is really important to me. Unfortunately, we all know how difficult it is to keep our sights set on why we need to be healthy in the first place.
For me, I am not able to successfully be healthy if my goal is to make myself happy or to please Daniel. I have always and will forever fail if those two reasons are why I do anything. It just proves so hard how human I am. When I am able to believe that striving for healthy living is for God and his glory, then the success comes. Again, it’s difficult.
Some days I’ve truly got it. And some days I don’t feel God and I’d rather sit on the couch and eat an entire bag of Pirates Booty.
An album, and more specifically a certain song reminds me of why I do anything in the first place, and helps me see myself differently.
Life In Your Way’sKingdoms, which is an album comprised of three EP’s (The Kingdom of Man, The Kingdom of Darkness and The Kingdom of God) , is something you NEED to listen to, especially if you are into melodic hardcore. But even if you’re not, give it a listen.
My favorite EP of the three part album is The Kingdom of God. On there is a song called “Who I Am”… and good grief.
It’s funny, because every time I’m running and contemplating giving up, this song starts playing through my Nike running app. It’s starts off with an intense, “THIS IS WHO I AM…” You know in Super Mario Kart, those question marks you run into that sometimes give you a super boost and you blast by all of the other guys? That’s what happens to me when this song comes on. It somehow gives me the power to believe who I really am, versus who I’ve made myself out to be in my own mind.
He doesn’t see what I see, He doesn’t see what you see. He sees my destiny and calls me to be a son.
I seriously get teary eyed every time I reach this part of the song. You know why this is motivating? Because it’s true. And even though I don’t quite understand fully what God sees in me, I know He sees it. I’m so grateful because if my worth was solely left up to me, well then I would just be a sad girl all the time.
This is going to sound stupid and girly, but it also helps me get past what I see in the mirror. Like it or not, we all have issues with what stares back at us. You could have a slammin’ hot bod, and still find something that unsettles you. No matter how much physical beauty we think we’ve accomplished, it is just never enough. Most of the time, I feel like the grossest person ever. I could name off at least 20 things I’d have different on my body. Now, hear me. This is not a call for shallow compliments, because that will never be what satisfies my soul. And please don’t tell me how I just have to “love myself.” I refuse to trade in the sin of self-loathing for the sin of pride. It’s a battle most of us (both men and women) will fight every day, and we could blame it on all kinds of things. Media, childhood, food, friends, etc.
But the reality is, He sees none of that crap. He sees what He has made, what He is cultivating, and ultimately what He will finish. That pushes me. That gives me that last shred of energy to go one more mile. That allows me not to look in the mirror and smile, but to walk passed it completely and not even worry about it. It helps me choose to love others, even when they severely piss me off. It gives me the strength I desperately need to be a better wife, mom and person.
This is who I am, by the power of the risen death and what You’ve done. This is who I am, all I’ve been and who I’ve become.