love

Night Terrors

nightterror

11 o’clock is about the time of night Daniel and I head to bed. When it’s finally time for us to lock up the house, turn out the lights and rest our heads on our pillows, I start to get nervous, because I know what’s coming. For Daniel, sleep is easy; his biggest issue is what I’m going to randomly do in the middle of the night that will stir him from sleep.

Sometimes we pray before we call it a night and sometimes we are so tired that both of us are asleep before we can do anything else.

A strange shift happens in between 12:30 and 1 a.m. each night. Something in my mind goes from reality to a different world, that looks similar to what the real world is… except for the things that weren’t there when I fell asleep.

I’ll open my eyes and see things I can’t describe to you most of the time, because they are indescribable and unmistakably evil. Sometimes I’m petrified still, and other times I jump up out of bed in an attempt to escape the room from the freak show that’s after me. After what feels like forever, but what is probably only forty five seconds time, I come to, either by realizing that the images aren’t actually there or by being shaken by Daniel. My reaction once I’m coherent differs depending on the severity, but it often ends in me crying.

I suffer from night terrors.

I know there’s a lot of curiosity and intrigue surrounding night terrors, and I know that they happen to people all over the world. The difference between a nightmare and a night terror is that generally, a nightmare is a bad dream that happens while you are sleeping and your eyes are closed. But night terrors happen when your eyes are open; it’s similar to hallucination. It wasn’t something I became familiar with until about 3 years ago, after I started sexual abuse counseling. When I was a child, I experienced pretty extreme sleep walking, and as a teen/young adult I encountered many demons in my dreams. I thought those dreams were the worst night time issues one could experience, until I started having night terrors. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d take the physical battles I had with evil spirits in my dreams any day over the horror that overtakes my vision in the middle of the night now. At least in the dreams, I was asleep and could wake up to reality.

The previous bout of them before this current season lasted about a year…? Or maybe it was longer; I don’t remember. Back then, the terrors had one thing in common: Daniel wasn’t my actual husband, and he was giving me over to the darkness. That overall theme manifested itself in many different terrifying images. It wasn’t until I was at my wits end one night that Daniel asked me what all of them had in common that I was able to figure it out- and boy was it a hard night. The truth kinda just spilled out of my mouth.

The only other important man in my life wasn’t who he said he was. He was a liar and a monster. If my dad wasn’t who he said he was, then how can I believe you are who you say you are?

I cried so hard into Daniel’s shoulder that night. So, so hard. But it was worth it, because I didn’t have another night terror for I think a year and a half.

And then last October came. Daniel was doing a favor for his previous employer and working sound for a festival. It was a late night and he wasn’t going to get in until the wee hours of the morning. I’m not able to sleep when he isn’t home, so it was well after 1 in the morning before I started to doze off. Between 2 and 2:30 a.m., I was abruptly shaken out of sleep by a loud knock on the door. I naturally assumed it was Daniel needing me to let him in because he forgot his key. When I stepped out into the living room, I saw blue and red lights shining through the dining room window, and my stomach sank into my knees and my heart started to pound wildly. The walk from the living room to the front door is about 12 feet, but I felt myself walk forever. When I opened the door, two police officers were looking at me, and I swear it felt like an eternity before they spoke. In that eternity, my eyes welled up with tears as I braced myself to hear that my husband had been in an accident on his way home. I even got light headed. The male police officer finally spoke, and asked me if I drove the silver volvo that was parked in our driveway. Confused, I said yes, and he proceeded to tell me it was broken into.

I don’t know if there has ever been a more audible sigh of relief than the one that came out of me. I had to hold onto the door frame while I gathered my faculties and told them how happy I was to hear that my car was broken into. Naturally, they looked at me like I was a crazy person, and I told them that my husband was on his way home from work and I thought they were here to tell me he had died.

We filed a police report and I went back to bed. Daniel got home around 3:30, and everyone was asleep and safe in our house. The End.

I wish.

The last 8 months I have spent many hours praying and crying, trying to figure out what it was about that night that started something in me, because shortly after that was when the night terrors started again. At first I figured I needed to grieve those few moments I thought I had lost my husband forever. I described it and sobbed and thanked God that what I thought was happening didn’t turn out to be reality for me. That should have been it, right?

The terrors kept coming, and I kept searching for the reason why.

Last Saturday was a wonderful. Daniel and I went to the beach with some of our friends, and we called it #nokidbeachday. Ya’ll, I love my children…. but it was a long and hellishly hot summer, and this mom needed some recess. I got my relaxation, and had that awesome beach fatigue when it was time for bed. I didn’t even have my usual nervousness before bed because I was so exhausted. Right as I felt like I was dozing, something didn’t feel right. I asked Daniel to pray, and he did, but I kept falling asleep. A few minutes later, a voice snapped me awake. It wasn’t my voice and it definitely wasn’t Daniels, so I knew something was starting. I don’t like to admit this, but I was just so tired from the day and from the last 8 months of this nonsense, that I mentally said “whatever” and gave in to sleep without prayerfully attempting to fight what was about to happen. I gave up.

What followed was one of the worst night terrors I’ve ever had. Daniel wasn’t my husband, but a people-seller, and when I opened my eyes, I saw babies in cages and dark creatures controlling and buying them. IN MY ROOM. This was one of the most vivid and memorable ones I’ve had; usually they are so abstract that I can’t describe them afterwards, or days later. But this- it was just so awful what I was seeing that I remember my mouth dropping open. But something happened a little differently this time. I didn’t snap out of it and it was gone like usual. I realized what was happening wasn’t real, but the images didn’t go away, so I started to pray out loud in my room. Very firmly, I told whatever was doing this to me was going to leave in the name of Jesus, and I repeated it over and over. The room cleared and it was just Daniel and myself, but I was not okay. The feeling of something very dark was lingering, and I woke Daniel up and asked him to pray.

He started to pray for me and our house, and as he commanded things to leave, I felt increasingly uncomfortable. He kept praying, and the feeling that overwhelmed me was one I’ve not felt in so long and one I hope to never feel again.

I felt abandoned by God. Like, He was just gone. No where to be found. It was like my soul was trembling and radiating out to the tips of my fingers, and fear completely overtook me. I was panicking and wordless and honestly terrified I wouldn’t make it through the night, and then something quiet happened: I started to pray like David did in the Psalms.

I’ve read through the Psalms many times, but I’ve never memorized any of it. So it came as a shock when all of a sudden I was saying words that sounded strikingly similar to what David moaned to God when he felt despairing and abandoned. I even thought to myself as I was praying, “how am I praying this right now?”

And then I remembered what the Holy Spirit does. He intercedes for us when we have no words. He knows the aches and groans that are so deep and painful that our minds can’t interpret them into words ourselves. He stepped in at the right time and reminded me that He hasn’t left. He’s there, but I’ve just squashed his voice with the loudest lies ever believed.

Lies always seem to be much louder than the truth. Or maybe my ears aren’t fine tuned enough yet to hear the truth over the lies.

I was able to finally calm down enough to talk soberly with Daniel. I was at a desperate point to figure this out- I’ve been there the entire month of August. Desperate to stop being a lost boy, desperate to stop hating my body (we’ll save that for the next blog post), desperate to… to not have these damned night terrors anymore. But what was the lie?

Sin is birthed from a lie. A temptation to buy into anything else besides trusting the Creator of the Universe.

I started to beg Daniel to tell me what was wrong with me. Just help me see because I can’t do this myself, clearly. He plainly stated that the theme of these terrors seem to be an altered state that God isn’t a part of. You live in this reality all day long, but at night, reality turns into a world where God is absent. And then he said the thing- HE SAID THE THING I’D BEEN WAITING TO HEAR- and it crushed me and gave me the sweet relief I’d been anticipating for 8 months:

You don’t believe God is who He says He is. You can’t just accept that He’s delivered you from a life of chaos. Your guard was down for a while, and then that night in October happened and you put it back up.

So much relief mixed with a heaping spoonful of conviction took over as I spilled out words of confession, realizing things as they were coming out of my mouth. It’s so crazy when that happens, isn’t it? When things fall out so easily that it’s shocking that you didn’t see any of it before.

But that’s the thing about the lies we believe. They harpoon themselves into our hearts, and after a while, they become so much a part of who you are that you don’t know you’re living your life through the filter of those lies, and identifying them feels nearly impossible because they’ve meshed themselves into your existence.

Here’s the crazy thing, the wild thing about the God that loves me: He would allow me to endure 8 months of terror-filled nights to get me to a place where I can freaking dig down to that lie and rip it bloody out. I know this sounds insane, but THAT is a God worth trusting. I was believing that God didn’t really love me, that He would eventually abandon my family to destruction and not protect me from myself, and I would ultimately be separated from Him. I WAS BELIEVING THAT, even though during the day I thank Him for loving me and helping me and saving me. At night the lies manifested itself by showing me what life is without God- and it’s hell. It’s HELL.

I’ve been two nights terror-free. I’d like to tell you it’s been great, and it has, but I think my body has experienced such a sleep deficit that now that I’m able to sleep, my body never wants to get up. It just wants to hibernate for a week or maybe a month and catch up on all of the lost rest.

But I gotta tell ya- all of this lie purging… it’s really worth it. Two weeks ago I talked about my security blanket and let that go, and last week I uncovered an 18-year-old lie about my body. August 2016 is definitely going down in the books as some kind of spiritual circus, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want September to be cool down time.

We’ve been going through peacemaking at Church on the Way, and I think there’s a correlation between that and all of this soul work. The more God works on me, the more grace, understanding and forgiveness I have towards others. Beyond that, I’m starting to, dare I say it, fall in love with people. I’ve always “loved” people in theory, and I can be very passionate about bringing people together, but to actually LOVE you, like… be a die hard advocate for you? That’s difficult. We bump into each other and sometimes it hurts and I don’t like that. But discovering who I REALLY AM is showing me exactly what God has saved me from, and I can’t help but feel that pull to wave my white flag at love. Just fall right into it, even if you’re prickly and may poke me. I’m prickly too. It’s funny- we are all distinctly unique in our creation, yet we are all so much the same in our hearts.

It seems like the more honest I am, the harder it is to come up with some put-together conclusion. I just wanna share the stuff I’m experiencing in hopes that you’ll step a little closer to the God that loves us. He really is good; you’ll never be able to talk me out of it :)

Yesterday.

Abethewisekid

Yesterday was really bad, and I couldn’t tell you exactly why if you asked. But it was just one of those days, ya know? Where your mind is broken and your heart hates not being in control. Last night I laid on the couch and cried. The day was filled with unmet promises to Abe and me dozing off while feeding the baby and pumping at the same time (please don’t ask me why I’m not breast feeding). Small group had left, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had failed them all somehow.

My 4 year old sat down next to my head and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was feeling very overwhelmed and like a complete failure. I cried harder and apologized for not getting to play hide and seek with him even though I promised I would. He had a pensive look on his face and said, It’s ok, mom. Emery needed all of your attention today.” I smiled and thanked him for being gracious and understanding, to which he replied, “It makes you feel good.”

Oh yeah. It does. I forgot. Grace does make me feel good. I wish I didn’t resist it like I often do.

About a half an hour later, Daniel was holding Emery and trying to get him to stop crying. The more Emery cried, the more Daniel got flustered until he finally gave up and handed the baby over to me. He got up and went outside, leaving us in the living room. Abe turned to me on the couch and said, “Mom, you need to pray for daddy tonight because he is afraid of being a daddy to two boys and thinks he’s bad at it. I pray for him all of the time.” My jaw dropped.

When Daniel tucked him into bed, I could hear sniffles echoing from the room. When Daniel emerged from his room tear-eyed, he told me that Abe had prayed for him, but it wasn’t his regular kind of prayer that usually only makes sense to Abe. It was an intercession for his daddy and a plea for help. And then he went to sleep.


It’s humbling to watch the Holy Spirit use a child to remind us of the gospel things we so easily forget and can’t seem to give to ourselves, especially when the usual prescription for reminders looks like our kids pushing us to our limits. But not yesterday. Yesterday it came in the form of a 4 year old understanding things more clearly than I do 99 percent of the time.

I can’t believe God would allow me to live in a home with people that fight for each other.

Grace floweth over.

 

Bare Feet // JATW

Bare Feet

Bare Feet // JATWI stand on this dirt patch that my son likes to dig out of, feeling the damp cold underneath my toes left from the incessant amount of rain that happened over the weekend.  It’s humid out here, but not the sweat-my-ass-off kind. There’s a slight coolness to the small breeze that passes over my face, bringing the aroma of summer grass mixed with the first stages of autumn leaves. It’s coming, I can feel it. Fall is almost here. It arrives late for us Floridians, but it arrives nonetheless; especially in North Florida.

The sound of dragon fly buzz accompanied by the songs of two different species of birds rings just loud enough to create an accompaniment track for outside speculating. Not too strong, as it often is in the woods, but just as you would expect for a rural part of town where nature collides a little less manicured with the modernization of human creation.

The muted sky is overcast, but the sun still shines through the clouds enough to make me squint, and I succumb to my closing eyes, taking it all in with my other four senses.

If I accomplish nothing else today, which may very well be the case, I can at least know that I’m valued. I believe it to be true; His Word tells me so. But He is reminding me with the dirt, and the breeze and the buzz and the light.

 

I am alive, and I am loved.