peace

Night Terrors

nightterror

11 o’clock is about the time of night Daniel and I head to bed. When it’s finally time for us to lock up the house, turn out the lights and rest our heads on our pillows, I start to get nervous, because I know what’s coming. For Daniel, sleep is easy; his biggest issue is what I’m going to randomly do in the middle of the night that will stir him from sleep.

Sometimes we pray before we call it a night and sometimes we are so tired that both of us are asleep before we can do anything else.

A strange shift happens in between 12:30 and 1 a.m. each night. Something in my mind goes from reality to a different world, that looks similar to what the real world is… except for the things that weren’t there when I fell asleep.

I’ll open my eyes and see things I can’t describe to you most of the time, because they are indescribable and unmistakably evil. Sometimes I’m petrified still, and other times I jump up out of bed in an attempt to escape the room from the freak show that’s after me. After what feels like forever, but what is probably only forty five seconds time, I come to, either by realizing that the images aren’t actually there or by being shaken by Daniel. My reaction once I’m coherent differs depending on the severity, but it often ends in me crying.

I suffer from night terrors.

I know there’s a lot of curiosity and intrigue surrounding night terrors, and I know that they happen to people all over the world. The difference between a nightmare and a night terror is that generally, a nightmare is a bad dream that happens while you are sleeping and your eyes are closed. But night terrors happen when your eyes are open; it’s similar to hallucination. It wasn’t something I became familiar with until about 3 years ago, after I started sexual abuse counseling. When I was a child, I experienced pretty extreme sleep walking, and as a teen/young adult I encountered many demons in my dreams. I thought those dreams were the worst night time issues one could experience, until I started having night terrors. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d take the physical battles I had with evil spirits in my dreams any day over the horror that overtakes my vision in the middle of the night now. At least in the dreams, I was asleep and could wake up to reality.

The previous bout of them before this current season lasted about a year…? Or maybe it was longer; I don’t remember. Back then, the terrors had one thing in common: Daniel wasn’t my actual husband, and he was giving me over to the darkness. That overall theme manifested itself in many different terrifying images. It wasn’t until I was at my wits end one night that Daniel asked me what all of them had in common that I was able to figure it out- and boy was it a hard night. The truth kinda just spilled out of my mouth.

The only other important man in my life wasn’t who he said he was. He was a liar and a monster. If my dad wasn’t who he said he was, then how can I believe you are who you say you are?

I cried so hard into Daniel’s shoulder that night. So, so hard. But it was worth it, because I didn’t have another night terror for I think a year and a half.

And then last October came. Daniel was doing a favor for his previous employer and working sound for a festival. It was a late night and he wasn’t going to get in until the wee hours of the morning. I’m not able to sleep when he isn’t home, so it was well after 1 in the morning before I started to doze off. Between 2 and 2:30 a.m., I was abruptly shaken out of sleep by a loud knock on the door. I naturally assumed it was Daniel needing me to let him in because he forgot his key. When I stepped out into the living room, I saw blue and red lights shining through the dining room window, and my stomach sank into my knees and my heart started to pound wildly. The walk from the living room to the front door is about 12 feet, but I felt myself walk forever. When I opened the door, two police officers were looking at me, and I swear it felt like an eternity before they spoke. In that eternity, my eyes welled up with tears as I braced myself to hear that my husband had been in an accident on his way home. I even got light headed. The male police officer finally spoke, and asked me if I drove the silver volvo that was parked in our driveway. Confused, I said yes, and he proceeded to tell me it was broken into.

I don’t know if there has ever been a more audible sigh of relief than the one that came out of me. I had to hold onto the door frame while I gathered my faculties and told them how happy I was to hear that my car was broken into. Naturally, they looked at me like I was a crazy person, and I told them that my husband was on his way home from work and I thought they were here to tell me he had died.

We filed a police report and I went back to bed. Daniel got home around 3:30, and everyone was asleep and safe in our house. The End.

I wish.

The last 8 months I have spent many hours praying and crying, trying to figure out what it was about that night that started something in me, because shortly after that was when the night terrors started again. At first I figured I needed to grieve those few moments I thought I had lost my husband forever. I described it and sobbed and thanked God that what I thought was happening didn’t turn out to be reality for me. That should have been it, right?

The terrors kept coming, and I kept searching for the reason why.

Last Saturday was a wonderful. Daniel and I went to the beach with some of our friends, and we called it #nokidbeachday. Ya’ll, I love my children…. but it was a long and hellishly hot summer, and this mom needed some recess. I got my relaxation, and had that awesome beach fatigue when it was time for bed. I didn’t even have my usual nervousness before bed because I was so exhausted. Right as I felt like I was dozing, something didn’t feel right. I asked Daniel to pray, and he did, but I kept falling asleep. A few minutes later, a voice snapped me awake. It wasn’t my voice and it definitely wasn’t Daniels, so I knew something was starting. I don’t like to admit this, but I was just so tired from the day and from the last 8 months of this nonsense, that I mentally said “whatever” and gave in to sleep without prayerfully attempting to fight what was about to happen. I gave up.

What followed was one of the worst night terrors I’ve ever had. Daniel wasn’t my husband, but a people-seller, and when I opened my eyes, I saw babies in cages and dark creatures controlling and buying them. IN MY ROOM. This was one of the most vivid and memorable ones I’ve had; usually they are so abstract that I can’t describe them afterwards, or days later. But this- it was just so awful what I was seeing that I remember my mouth dropping open. But something happened a little differently this time. I didn’t snap out of it and it was gone like usual. I realized what was happening wasn’t real, but the images didn’t go away, so I started to pray out loud in my room. Very firmly, I told whatever was doing this to me was going to leave in the name of Jesus, and I repeated it over and over. The room cleared and it was just Daniel and myself, but I was not okay. The feeling of something very dark was lingering, and I woke Daniel up and asked him to pray.

He started to pray for me and our house, and as he commanded things to leave, I felt increasingly uncomfortable. He kept praying, and the feeling that overwhelmed me was one I’ve not felt in so long and one I hope to never feel again.

I felt abandoned by God. Like, He was just gone. No where to be found. It was like my soul was trembling and radiating out to the tips of my fingers, and fear completely overtook me. I was panicking and wordless and honestly terrified I wouldn’t make it through the night, and then something quiet happened: I started to pray like David did in the Psalms.

I’ve read through the Psalms many times, but I’ve never memorized any of it. So it came as a shock when all of a sudden I was saying words that sounded strikingly similar to what David moaned to God when he felt despairing and abandoned. I even thought to myself as I was praying, “how am I praying this right now?”

And then I remembered what the Holy Spirit does. He intercedes for us when we have no words. He knows the aches and groans that are so deep and painful that our minds can’t interpret them into words ourselves. He stepped in at the right time and reminded me that He hasn’t left. He’s there, but I’ve just squashed his voice with the loudest lies ever believed.

Lies always seem to be much louder than the truth. Or maybe my ears aren’t fine tuned enough yet to hear the truth over the lies.

I was able to finally calm down enough to talk soberly with Daniel. I was at a desperate point to figure this out- I’ve been there the entire month of August. Desperate to stop being a lost boy, desperate to stop hating my body (we’ll save that for the next blog post), desperate to… to not have these damned night terrors anymore. But what was the lie?

Sin is birthed from a lie. A temptation to buy into anything else besides trusting the Creator of the Universe.

I started to beg Daniel to tell me what was wrong with me. Just help me see because I can’t do this myself, clearly. He plainly stated that the theme of these terrors seem to be an altered state that God isn’t a part of. You live in this reality all day long, but at night, reality turns into a world where God is absent. And then he said the thing- HE SAID THE THING I’D BEEN WAITING TO HEAR- and it crushed me and gave me the sweet relief I’d been anticipating for 8 months:

You don’t believe God is who He says He is. You can’t just accept that He’s delivered you from a life of chaos. Your guard was down for a while, and then that night in October happened and you put it back up.

So much relief mixed with a heaping spoonful of conviction took over as I spilled out words of confession, realizing things as they were coming out of my mouth. It’s so crazy when that happens, isn’t it? When things fall out so easily that it’s shocking that you didn’t see any of it before.

But that’s the thing about the lies we believe. They harpoon themselves into our hearts, and after a while, they become so much a part of who you are that you don’t know you’re living your life through the filter of those lies, and identifying them feels nearly impossible because they’ve meshed themselves into your existence.

Here’s the crazy thing, the wild thing about the God that loves me: He would allow me to endure 8 months of terror-filled nights to get me to a place where I can freaking dig down to that lie and rip it bloody out. I know this sounds insane, but THAT is a God worth trusting. I was believing that God didn’t really love me, that He would eventually abandon my family to destruction and not protect me from myself, and I would ultimately be separated from Him. I WAS BELIEVING THAT, even though during the day I thank Him for loving me and helping me and saving me. At night the lies manifested itself by showing me what life is without God- and it’s hell. It’s HELL.

I’ve been two nights terror-free. I’d like to tell you it’s been great, and it has, but I think my body has experienced such a sleep deficit that now that I’m able to sleep, my body never wants to get up. It just wants to hibernate for a week or maybe a month and catch up on all of the lost rest.

But I gotta tell ya- all of this lie purging… it’s really worth it. Two weeks ago I talked about my security blanket and let that go, and last week I uncovered an 18-year-old lie about my body. August 2016 is definitely going down in the books as some kind of spiritual circus, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want September to be cool down time.

We’ve been going through peacemaking at Church on the Way, and I think there’s a correlation between that and all of this soul work. The more God works on me, the more grace, understanding and forgiveness I have towards others. Beyond that, I’m starting to, dare I say it, fall in love with people. I’ve always “loved” people in theory, and I can be very passionate about bringing people together, but to actually LOVE you, like… be a die hard advocate for you? That’s difficult. We bump into each other and sometimes it hurts and I don’t like that. But discovering who I REALLY AM is showing me exactly what God has saved me from, and I can’t help but feel that pull to wave my white flag at love. Just fall right into it, even if you’re prickly and may poke me. I’m prickly too. It’s funny- we are all distinctly unique in our creation, yet we are all so much the same in our hearts.

It seems like the more honest I am, the harder it is to come up with some put-together conclusion. I just wanna share the stuff I’m experiencing in hopes that you’ll step a little closer to the God that loves us. He really is good; you’ll never be able to talk me out of it :)

Letting Go and Holding On

Peace Makers“The peace-makers- those who are themselves of a peaceable temper, and endeavor to promote peace in others: who study to be quiet, and, as much as in them lieth, to live peaceably with all men: who are so far from sowing the seeds of discord between any of their fellow creatures, that they both studiously avoid contention themselves, and labour to extinguish it wherever it prevails, laying themselves out to heal the differences of brethren and neighbors, to reconcile contending parties, and to restore peace wherever it is broken, as well as to preserve it where it is…” Excerpt from Benson Commentary on Matthew 5:9

My pastor started a series this past Sunday called Blessed are the Peacemakers.

As he was preaching, I felt a mixture of both excitement and a sort of impending doom, HA. My flesh knows what’s coming.

It’s like finally sitting down in the long-awaited seat of a roller coaster, but the kind that’s like, WAY too high up. All of a sudden you’re buckled in; someone gives a tug on the bar to make sure you’re secure. You’re then thrust forward, slowly inching your way up to the terrifying top. Click, click…click, goes the notches, and there’s no turning back now. You’re not sure what’s really about to happen- you could have a ton of screaming fun, you could be petrified silent (that’s usually me), you could spew your lunch on all of the spectators, your phone could slip out of your pocket and go hurling towards the ground (that’s my brother, hehe), or worst case scenario, the ride could fail to remain intact and you could be flung into oblivion (I actually knew someone that that happened to, which is why you’ll never catch me on the Gravitron ever again). Either way, you’re fastened in tight, so the only thing left to do is to let go and hold on.

The conflict of letting go and holding on; to let go of your illusion of any control and to hold on to the one Who’s got the whole universe spinning in His will.

If I’m going to get through the hard things as a Christ follower, I HAVE to surrender. It’s my failings to do so that gets me stuck. And even my stuck-ness is in His grasp. I don’t hear something until I’m meant to hear it. Concepts doing turn into beliefs until the Holy Spirit reveals it to my heart. I can’t start to really live those beliefs out until I am sold on them, and even then, there’s a constant need to surrender so that walking away doesn’t become more attractive.

That description up there, the one about the peace-maker… I want to be that person. However, the amount of relenting required for that to become my reality… it just feels scary. The temptation to believe that God isn’t who He says he is; the lure to believe He indeed will fail me, leaving me to be flung into oblivion, is so strong a lot of the time. Even though He’s proven himself time and time again, I’m still so frustratingly bent. The rocks cry out, and so do I.

Dale talked about the importance of peace to God, and it got me thinking.

The measures God took to bridge the much deserved divide between Himself and I, it’s hard to fathom. To take a piece of Himself, the part He calls His Son, and allow His broken flesh and spilled blood to be the extension that reconciles me to Him and makes available a peace that transcends any kind of human mastery…

In light of that truth, I think I want peace to be important to me.

Blessed are the peace-makers, for they will be called children of God. 

Amber Writes: Be Still

I AM GODMy friend and Pastor’s wife, Amber, is an amazing artist and writer. She has often been able to tap into the deepness of how things feel and write it out in such a way that brings a real peace, at least for me. I haven’t posted in over a week, due to exhaustion and a long and early labor, but as I hear of the painful things going on around me and the things I’m feeling in my own heart, I felt this was appropriate to share for today. I hope this piece Amber wrote brings you as much peace as it did for me. 


 

“Be still and know that I am God. 
I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth!” 
-Psalm 46:10 

 
Be still… 

When I am afraid, when my heart is pounding. 

When all I can do is exist in fear and panic. 

You bring peace to my troubled soul.

The turbulent sloshing of my emotions is stilled by your presence.

I know the assurance and comfort of your words, your hand on my heart. 

 

Be still and know… 

As my life spins with uncertainty and I quiver at quaking ground beneath my feet.

When I am reeling, knocked breathless by the bile of anxiety crawling up my throat, you still my doubts.

When disease and financial ruin steal away my equilibrium,  

You breathe rest and security by reminding me of your past and continued provision for me, by reminding me of your goodness, your greatness.  

 

Be still and know that I Am God… 

When I am angry.

When my self-righteousness and need for justice becomes greater in my mind than your divinity.

When I begin to chafe at hurts and fiery darts hurled at me and those I care for, and I plot a way to set things right. 

In your still small voice you remind me of my sinfulness and my own need for your grace, your mercy. 

You correct my wandering heart for you alone are God, the righteous judge. And your ways are not my ways and your ways are always good. 

 

Be still and know that I am God… 

When I am with you and my mind wanders, when I have been given an opportunity to be in your presence and I cannot forget myself, you gently remind me of your presence in my heart. You lead me into worship and intimacy by revealing yourself, your love for me and leaving in me the joy of praise to the lover of my soul. You allow me to simply enjoy you. 

 

Be still and know that I am God… 

When I am sad and feel alone, when my fear of vulnerability imprisons me behind my walls of defense. When I am struggling to feel connected, worthy, treasured. You speak to me with the closeness, familiarness of old friends, brought together long ago and sharing all of life. You reveal my own heart to me with the intimacy of a lover who knows my vulnerabilities and loves me, loves me with such tenderness, a delicate handling of the wounded places in my heart. You heal my hurts and replace the scarred tissue with new life. 

 

Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted… 

When I am fretful about the future. When it seems as if the battle is too much, too long, too hard. When it seems as if the victory has been snatched away and those I love are left hurting, wounded, bleeding. When I have been betrayed and watched my fellow soldiers walk away from the fight… 

You are strong. You infuse my weary heart with the calm, steady assurance of your victory, already won by your son. You invigorate my battle worn heart with your sovereignty over all things, people and times. You give me promise and hope that your works will be finished, that the power residing in me is the power that spoke the universe into place, commands legions of angels and can bring about the resurrection of the dead into new life. You are the great I Am, the Alpha and the Omega. 

 

Be Still and Know that He is God.