It’s sweet, the way the gentle scent of lavender infused with the harsh aroma of coffee grounds in the air hit my nose when I walked in from dropping Daniel and Abram off at work and school. Almost as if the two smells teamed up and said, “We won’t allow her to be down today.” Well, it worked. I feel inspired to create and breath freely. I can’t say it was the same for yesterday, and I don’t know if it will be true for tomorrow, but today… today is fresh, and the fog in my heart has dissipated. My flesh fights to scare my mind into thinking that this cannot last, but my mind tells my flesh to hush. For it knows the truth: happiness very well may fade away, and tomorrow might feel dark. But worrying about that now only turns bitter the sweetness of the lavender and coffee grounds that fill my soul. No, no need to control. Control isn’t mine to dictate time and day with anyway. Contentment, however, is lavishly given to us for the taking.
Everything seems fine. This morning we all woke up and enjoyed the early hours, ate breakfast, read a couple of books and went our separate ways for the day.
I had a great workout at the gym. Got real sweaty. I enjoyed a much needed food boost of two eggs and a piece of Ezekiel bread, the kind with the raisins and cinnamon. It was so delicious.
I washed myself off, cleaned our bedroom and started my work.
All is well, right?
I don’t know. For some reason, I feel sad; perhaps a little overwhelmed. Last week was kind of a disaster. Abe started the week off with a bad case of strep. He was out of commission for the whole week. Taking care of him was quite a pleasure, because we had many moments of cuddling. It was still exhausting, nonetheless. More so emotional than physical, but one affects the other. I also put quite a bit of anxiety and stress on myself last week, struggling with what people thought of me as a mom, as a part of a group, and as a person in general.
You know how one week it is so easy to believe in who you are as God’s child, and then the very next week that’s all dashed to pieces and you cannot make yourself, with all of your will, believe better?
That was last week. I’m better now, but my body feels faint. Self-inflicted anxiety really does a number on this girl.
Sometimes life calls for rest. It’s so difficult for me to answer that call when there are tasks and responsibilities piling up and people depending on me. The fear of judgement from others for simply taking a nap is just TOO much to handle! Gosh, as if anyone even needs to know about me taking a nap. What a weirdo.
Maybe I’m afraid of the judgement I’ll place on myself.
But I know that this time next year, my to-do list for today won’t even be a distant memory, because it ultimately isn’t important in the grand scheme of life.
Do you ever think about that? Can you remember a to-do list from this day last year?
Of course not.
I’m feeling the weight of last week. I’m overwhelmed. I’m going to go lay down and rest.
I know that my blog posts are so spaced out, and I really apologize. We have been without a computer for several weeks now. We’ve had three computers die on us over the course of the summer, and it’s just been the dumbest thing. So I am reduced to blogging in my spare time at work.
Anyways, one day I will get to the real meat of the Break All My Bones series on here, but here is some more of that.
Fear is something that has always ruled my life, and just recently has God really been pulling that out of me by it’s bloody root. To help my mind accept that living in fear is not living at all, I ordered some vinyl lettering from my job and put it up on the bedroom wall right next to my bed. This stuff is big, bold, and and blunt. It’s the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I see when I go to bed.
IT IS THE TRUTH. It is reality. And it is helping me immensely.
What keeps you from living life with joy, peace, passion and rest?